How Roy Mustang became Gordito
by Ducan
Summary: The title says it all! not really.... included fma, naruto, fullmoon, fruits basket, and inuyasha! When Roy Mustang raped and murdered Kagome Higurashi, mysterious and deadly events un fold....most which are sidesplitting hilarious!
1. Soul control

**Crazy o.c fanfic: done while high late at night. Partnership to write this fic:**

KiraEd crazy fangirl

Nika Inu obsessive fangirl

Mina kawaii shippo fangirl  
  
Kira:A desolate, and broken night for Roy Mustang. His heart burned with desire for the companionship of the sexy Hanyou, Inuyasha.

Nika: It was a new moon that night. Sadly, Roy did not get to witness the sexiness of this night, for Inuyasha had left for another woman; His true love; Nika.

Mina: Shippo sat at the blazing camp fire, twitching his paw. "What the hell are they doing in there?!?" he wondered.

Kira: Roy's first thought of revenge on his broken heart, was to RAPE the Hanyou, but he knew better then to mess with Kira and Ed. The best alchemist couple ever. (Cute too may I add)

Nika: Shippo was so impatient; he threw the door of the burned shack wide open!

Mina: He stared, with goggled eyes gaping at what was happening. He ran to tell Kagome.

Kira: Roy ran the direction shippo came from. "Inuyasha!" He cried with dismay. The Hanyou was giving his heart to a WOMAN!!!

Nika: Roy collapsed into the shack. "Inu….Yasha…how could you?" Inuyasha's sexy abs glinted in the faint starlight.

Mina: Kagome was outraged after she heard. She cried her eyes out, heading to the dry well. "Who cares about Inuyasha?" She screamed.

Kira: In the whole emotional throng, he pulled the broken schoolgirl into a deep, passionate kiss. Kagome sighed. "Whatever, lost my virginity to hojo already…"

Nika: Shippo had managed to get a hold of Kagome's cell phone, and pressed a random number. "Hello? Elric residence." Shippo screamed into the phone, "YOU MEAN THIS METAL THING CAN TALK? WOW! IT'S WORTH A FORTUNE!!!!!!!"

Mina: Meanwhile, at the Elric residence, (by the way, Al answered the phone.) Ed was locked in a passionate kiss with his love, Kira. "I'll always love you…" Ed whispered in Kira's ear.

Kira: When kagome tried to phone for help she realized her cell was gone. Thus Roy seized the opportunity, and raped/murdered kagome. Strangely… no one noticed.

Nika: "Oh well. I never liked her, especially when she pulled my ears…" groaned Inuyasha.

Mina: Shippo fumbled with his fingers, wondering, "Will I ever see kagome again?" Just then, as if an angel had descended from heaven, comforted shippo by saying, "You're a tough cookie, you can handle it!" A sweet girl name Mina said.

Kira: The phone rang again, it was Winry this time. "Ed, you need to see Winry to replace your automail," Al told him. Kira frowned.

Nika: Kira whined, "Oh Ed, must you go so soon? I'm not finished with you…" Luckily for both of them Ed did not leave for another three hours.

Mina: "WAAAAAH! Where did you come from?!?!" Shippo asked as he jumped away. "It's okay, I'm no demon. I was just in the area and heard you crying… I picked up tidbits of the events by eavesdropping. Please forgive me."

Kira: Inuyasha's muscles flexed around the contours of Nika's body. Nika looked contemptly into Inuyasha's shining ebony eyes. "Will you ever leave me?" The Hanyou smiled, "Maybe," (he said this teasingly) and pulled her into a kiss.

Nika: Nika began remembering the past, when Inuyasha was barely hers, and Kagome and Nika were fighting over Inuyasha. She couldn't say that she was sorry that Kagome was gone.

Mina: Shippo seemed to start to trust Mina. "Hey… Lemme let you in on a little secret- This metal box can talk! See, Lemme show you!" Shippo whispered as he punched in some buttons again. "Hello? Sohma residence."

Kira: Roy was scrambling for his life through the dense forest. He had chosen his path. Change his name, and become a drug vendor in Mexico.

Nika: Shippo recognized the surname at once. He'd heard about Akito Sohma being an It. A sudden streak of daring went through him. "Hi? I'd like to speak to Akito? Sohma? It there?"

Mina: Meanwhile, in Mexico, Roy, now "Gordito" was staring through the misty dust of his new life of a drug dealer in Mexico.

Kira: An alarmingly chilling voice picked up the phone line. "Hello…." The voice said. "Akito?" Shippo asked. "Stop ruining our happiness," Akito warned. Then… the line went dead. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Nika: Back in Mexico, "Gordito" Roy sensed someone closing in on him. "Give me the pot. Or so die," a voice whispered. "Okay, name please?" Gordito asked. "Ghetto-san. Now hand it over!"

Mina: Back at the campfire, Shippo stared blankly at the phone. Shivers ran down his spine, As Mina said, "I see you can trust me. I can trust you. Now I'm gonna let YOU in on a little secret."

Kira: Back at the Elric residence……. Ed had just left for the train to Resembool with Alphonse, so Kira decided to go join with Nika and Mina.  
Little did she know what she was in for once she got there.

Nika: Ghetto-san snatched the entire stock of pot and ran. "WAAAAAAAAIT! I NEED YOUR MONEY!" Gordito screamed after the fading contour. "Damn…"

Mina: "It's my true identity. A shinigami. I was sent to kill you, but now I'm having second thoughts. "HOW THE HELL COULD I KILL YOU?!?!?!?!?"

Kira: Being a Miko/alchemist/ninja Kira made it to the campsite while it was still dark. She wandered blindly and stumbled into the shack. She looked up and flinched. "Nice you guys…. Nice…."

Nika: Back to Shippo. "I wanna try to talk to that it again!" While he efforted again, Mina wondered why he had no interest in the fact that she was sent to kill him.

Mina: Mina sighed, thinking He's so trusting, I've never met anyone like this…Shippo had discovered the "video" setting, and started to mess with it.

Kira: Shippo wandered aimlessly pointing the camera. He stumbled over to the broke down shed and then…… Sasuke appeared.

Nika: Sasuke glared around the campsite. After a few moments of silence, he started towards the shed, thinking it was his cabin for the stay. He opened the door and glared. "This isn't the Emo Farm I was expecting…" With that, he pulled out a knife and slit his wrist. "Wheee…fun."

Mina: Shippo gawked. "I just captured someone's death with this! THIS THING CAN CONTROL SOULS!"

Kira: Kira walked out of the shed with her hands over her eyes. "Unnggg……that was something I didn't need to see…."

Nika: "This thing is worth more than 5 acorns!" Shippo pondered. "Six, maybe…"

Mina: But then… word got out. Demons started to raid the camp site, looking for the "soul control" or, the cell phone.

Kira: Kira was happy. It had been awhile since she'd killed someone. She turns to mina, "wanna watch?" Kira clapped her hands and alchemical sparks began to fly.

Nika: Meanwhile, back in Mexico, Gordito was beginning to nod over the drug stand. "Maybe I should rename it…" He wondered. He slumped up and took down the "Gordito's Druggies" sign and turned it over. He painted "PotHead" on it and hung it back up. "That ought to get 'em coming…"

Mina: "EEEEH? What's happening?" Mina shouted as demons raided the camp. She unsheathed her powerful sword, Kasipaloo, and struck the ground, shaking all of the land. The demons fell from the sky, lifeless.

Kira: Kira shook Mina. "Are you awake yet?" Mina rubbed her head. Damn…a dream… Nika FINALLY decided to get dressed, come out, and ask what was going on.

Nika: "Hey, Bob, wanna go over there to that PotHead place? It looks pretty sweet…"

Mina: "yeah, guess so." Said Bob. "What's the harm?" They walked toward a man screaming, "POT, DIRT CHEAP!" They each bought a sack of pot for 50 pesos.

Kira: Winry threw her wrench at Ed. He groaned. "owww…." Naturally he despised that damn wrench. This is the last place he wanted to be.

Nika: Sasuke appeared in Hell. "You shall be a Shinigami, Sasuke." A high voice screeched. "Okay. Do I get to go to an Emo Farm?"  
….."Maybe…"

Mina: Gordito shouted, "THIS ISN'T GETTING ME ANYWHERE! That leaves me with no choice- rape a woman!" Thus, "Gordito" became "Nekoyasha" and set out for Japan to rape none other than- MINA! (Dun dun duuuuun!)

Kira: Mina recognized Nekoyasha as Roy right away. He set out to begin the rape session. He lunged for Mina, but Shippo heroically sent his Fox Fire to incinerate him! "No one touched Mina!" He shouted.

Nika: Without further ado, Shippo whipped out the cell phone (or "Soul Control") and positioned his finger over the Play button. "One more move, and I'll Soul Control you!!!!" Nekoyasha froze. Then, pushing his luck, he twitched a finger. "SOUL CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!" screeched Shippo, pressing the Play button. Roy Mustang collapsed lifeless.


	2. PotHeads

**Note from the authors: YAY! SQUEE! You made it to chapter two! Yes our world is veeery dysfunctional…well, enjoy the next chapter. (May start containing lemon. I don't know if it will yet)  
-Kira  
**  
Mina: "Huh?!?!?!? You're kidding me!" Mina shouted into her phone. "Not kidding. You and Sasuke Uchiha will be partners in shinigamiship." Her boss said firmly. Sasuke appeared from the mist, saying "When do we get to kill people?"

Kira: Ed got off the train. "YESS! I'm frrreeee!!!" Al sighed. Typical Ed… But when Ed walked into his house, he was alarmed Kira wasn't there. "Maybe she went to the store…?" Al suggested.

Nika: "No, I don't think so." Ed said warily….  
Mean while, back at the campsite, Mina began to weep." I have to…" She lunged for Shippo and held her hand above his squirming neck and…

Mina: "you're being possessed by a demon!! Demon, be gone!" Mina shouted. "What… what happened?…" Shippo asked groggily. "The vengeful spirit of Roy Mustang took control of you! You poor thing!"

Kira: Ed and Al had been waiting for Kira at home for around three hours. Ed was becoming exponentially more and more concerned. At the campsite, Nika and Inuyasha were at it again, and Kira had disappeared……

Nika: What smells like garlic? Kira: NIKA, THE STORY!! Oh yeah…  
Anyway, Kira had run because she feared she had brought great discord when she reminded Nika that someday she would die. So she high-tailed it.

Mina: Back at the campsite, the sun had started to go up. The sky turned beautiful pastel colors, as Inuyasha became his Hanyou self again.

Kira: As Kira was running, Naraku appeared! At first Kira had no idea how to explain a Man in a baboon suit except he must be….. A SERIAL RAPIST!!!

Nika: Inuyasha pulled out his Tetsuaiga and darted into the battle. Nika used her Japanese Kitten powers and slit the demons in half with her Kitty Klaws.

Mina: Miroku wandered in with Sango. They had been at the river, having a drink. Miroku ended Naraku with his wind tunnel, for Naraku had not brought along the feindful insects- Saimyoshos. Thus, his wind tunnel disappeared, Kohaku became uncontrolled again, and Kikyo's death was avenged.

Kira: Ed had finally stood up and walked out the door. Al followed. "We're searching for her right now!" Ed proclaimed. Little did they know that Kira that very instant would be in some deep trouble with Envy.

Nika: Suddenly Nika found herself flying high into the sky. She was being flown away by a demon! "INUYASHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" She saw Inuyasha stare into the sky then began leaping along the same path down below the demon.

Mina: Meanwhile, in hell, gordito/nekoyasha/Roy Mustang was fumbling with his fingers. All the women in hell were ugly! It truly DID suck butt.

Kira: Kira had planned to follow Nika and Inuyasha, but was stopped by a certain homunculus, Envy. He grabbed her jaw and thrusted her to face him. Kira struggled with him, and drew her bow. She released her purification arrow, but at the same time, Envy lunged for her, blindingly fast.

Nika: Meanwhile, back at the campsite, Shippo was pawning the Soul Control for ten acorns. He felt that ten was more than enough for the Soul Control…

Mina: Just then, a shady character came to the campsite. "I'll pay you 100 acorns for the soul control" The shady character said as it dropped 100 acorns in front of shippo. "Done deal!" He shouted as he piled up the acorns and threw the soul control to the shady character. He took off his hood. IT WAS AKITO SOHMA! "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!?" shippo shouted as Akito ran off with the soul control.

Kira: Akito was suddenly tackled by a man in tights with a cape. HATORI!!! "I won't let you have that soul control!" He proclaimed heroically. Akito dropped it effortlessly. "Damn… foiled again!" Akito sprinted into the distance, and Hari's cape fluttered dramatically in the contrast of the twilight.

Nika: Just then a figure with a Spandex unisuit jumped onto the scene. "WHERE IS MY LOVE?????" Tohru screeched. "KYOOOOOOOO-KUN!"

Mina: Lust jumped from the sky and landed right next to Tohru. "Who are you? May I get you some tea? I WILL NOT STAY OUT OF IT!" Tohru screamed. "WTF?!?!?!? YOU HAVE MY VOICE!!!! YOUKAI!!!!"  
(Note: Tohru and Lust share a voice actor in the English animes)

Kira: Kira walked, in no particular direction, hobbled by her fight with envy who had run off. (Which was weird) meanwhile, Inuyasha gawked at Tohru in her gaudy spandex suit. In his eyes, she looked like the whore version of Kikyo. --'

Nika: Inuyasha shook his head, remembering that Nika was in DANGER! He took off again. Meanwhile, Lust and Tohru were getting into a fistfight. Sasuke whispered, "It's about to be a what? A girl fight!"

Mina: Meanwhile, in Mina and sasuke's world, they had gone to slay their victim. A woman named Kaede.

Kira: Ed had run out to look for Kira for two hours so far. When he finally found her, she looked distraught and injured.

**Does poor little Kira make it?? And will Inuyasha ever save Nika? More importantly, what will happen to PotHeads without Roy?! Find out, if you can handle chapter 3…. Coming eventually……**


End file.
